“In the room full of individuals for whom I hold feelings of resentment about, Who might be the first I would converse with, when I am about to bite the dust?” ― Nishikant, The Papery Onions
Oh. Wow.
I went searching for quotes about holding grudges, and this one slapped me right upside the head. Oh, so true. Oh, so painful to see the finger pointing at me. Yes, I am guilty. It's only one I've had for years, but it's one that has dogged me my entire adult life.
At the beginning of September my graduating class from high school had its 45th reunion. I didn't go. I'm 2400 miles away and I also have a hip problem that hinders my ability to travel. With that said, I have to admit I haven't been to any of my reunions. When updated yearbooks were offered a couple of times, though, I ordered them and pored over the pages like a People magazine junkie, comparing their lives to mine, trying to see between the lines. Wondering if anyone, when they came to my update in the pages, even knew who I was. I don't have very pleasant high school memories. I don't have many pleasant memories at all from my teenage years. There are around 7 years especially that I wish I could scrub out of my mind with a Mr. Clean eraser, but we know that ain't gonna happen. So when events come up that bring high school to the forefront of my mind I struggle with it. I struggle with it big time.
I had gotten an email from one of the reunion coordinators a couple of months before the event and I responded to it, saying I wouldn't be attending. Ok, done with that. Then, I was contacted by her again, telling me our class now had a closed group reunion page on Facebook. I had me doubts, as my Newfoundland friends would say, but I went ahead and joined. Some of my classmates names were familiar...some I'd never seen before. Few, unless there were photos, would I ever have recognized if I saw them on the street now. I'm sure they could say the same about me. 18 to 63 is a huge gap in time when you haven't had any contact with these people.
My grudge? One-sided on my part, I'm sure. I'm positive. Putting posts on there very tentatively, sure of rejection, at first, was like Chinese water torture. Seriously. I had it in my mind these people couldn't stand me, didn't like me, could care less if I still survived all these years later. It literally gave me panic attacks, haha! Well...not that bad, but it gave me a few anxious moments. I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who feel the same way when high school is mentioned, so you get me. But I pushed down those insecurities and old feelings of doubt and went ahead and put posts on there. Photos. Little bits and pieces about me. I told people they could send me Friend Requests on Facebook, and I sent out some myself. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed, hoping the response would be positive. I needed something positive out of that phase of my life, to finally put all the hurt feelings and negativity away.
And people responded. People were friendly and accepting. I even got together with one classmate who lives about 15 minutes away from me for coffee, something we found out through the page and Facebook. We had a pleasant time!
Did I say this was one-sided? Yup, it really was. I can't say it's crippled my relationships with other people through the years because I've been blessed with a wonderful life and many good friendships
so obviously I moved on. And so have my classmates. There are none of us, I'm sure who are the people we were when we were 17 and 18 years old. Perish the thought, ha! I know for myself I was a very isolated, shut-down person back then. I'm not anymore. Not at all.
So this old ghost from the past has finally been chased out of the closet. I'm realizing we may not have shared lifelong friendships and contact, but we did share a part of our lives' histories...one of the chapters that helped form us into who we are now. Good or bad, it built our character. It helped me to gain compassion, to look out for the underdog. It gave me great empathy that has helped me in the years since raising my children and working with other people's kids. A desire to overcome being a person who saw the glass half empty to one who sees it not only half full, but full to overflowing. Going through hard times we ask ourselves, "Why does this have to happen to me?" Maybe we need to turn it around, ask ourselves, "Why not me?," then learn from it, move on, and be thankful.
I went searching for quotes about holding grudges, and this one slapped me right upside the head. Oh, so true. Oh, so painful to see the finger pointing at me. Yes, I am guilty. It's only one I've had for years, but it's one that has dogged me my entire adult life.
At the beginning of September my graduating class from high school had its 45th reunion. I didn't go. I'm 2400 miles away and I also have a hip problem that hinders my ability to travel. With that said, I have to admit I haven't been to any of my reunions. When updated yearbooks were offered a couple of times, though, I ordered them and pored over the pages like a People magazine junkie, comparing their lives to mine, trying to see between the lines. Wondering if anyone, when they came to my update in the pages, even knew who I was. I don't have very pleasant high school memories. I don't have many pleasant memories at all from my teenage years. There are around 7 years especially that I wish I could scrub out of my mind with a Mr. Clean eraser, but we know that ain't gonna happen. So when events come up that bring high school to the forefront of my mind I struggle with it. I struggle with it big time.
I had gotten an email from one of the reunion coordinators a couple of months before the event and I responded to it, saying I wouldn't be attending. Ok, done with that. Then, I was contacted by her again, telling me our class now had a closed group reunion page on Facebook. I had me doubts, as my Newfoundland friends would say, but I went ahead and joined. Some of my classmates names were familiar...some I'd never seen before. Few, unless there were photos, would I ever have recognized if I saw them on the street now. I'm sure they could say the same about me. 18 to 63 is a huge gap in time when you haven't had any contact with these people.
My grudge? One-sided on my part, I'm sure. I'm positive. Putting posts on there very tentatively, sure of rejection, at first, was like Chinese water torture. Seriously. I had it in my mind these people couldn't stand me, didn't like me, could care less if I still survived all these years later. It literally gave me panic attacks, haha! Well...not that bad, but it gave me a few anxious moments. I'm sure there are plenty of you out there who feel the same way when high school is mentioned, so you get me. But I pushed down those insecurities and old feelings of doubt and went ahead and put posts on there. Photos. Little bits and pieces about me. I told people they could send me Friend Requests on Facebook, and I sent out some myself. Fingers crossed, toes crossed, eyes crossed, hoping the response would be positive. I needed something positive out of that phase of my life, to finally put all the hurt feelings and negativity away.
And people responded. People were friendly and accepting. I even got together with one classmate who lives about 15 minutes away from me for coffee, something we found out through the page and Facebook. We had a pleasant time!
Did I say this was one-sided? Yup, it really was. I can't say it's crippled my relationships with other people through the years because I've been blessed with a wonderful life and many good friendships
so obviously I moved on. And so have my classmates. There are none of us, I'm sure who are the people we were when we were 17 and 18 years old. Perish the thought, ha! I know for myself I was a very isolated, shut-down person back then. I'm not anymore. Not at all.
So this old ghost from the past has finally been chased out of the closet. I'm realizing we may not have shared lifelong friendships and contact, but we did share a part of our lives' histories...one of the chapters that helped form us into who we are now. Good or bad, it built our character. It helped me to gain compassion, to look out for the underdog. It gave me great empathy that has helped me in the years since raising my children and working with other people's kids. A desire to overcome being a person who saw the glass half empty to one who sees it not only half full, but full to overflowing. Going through hard times we ask ourselves, "Why does this have to happen to me?" Maybe we need to turn it around, ask ourselves, "Why not me?," then learn from it, move on, and be thankful.
This is so different from my experiences in high school. I have lived my whole adult life in this town (except the 8 years, after we got married) and my high school friends are still my friends today. I loved high school (except for the studying...) and when I think back, I think of the fun we had. I guess you could say I had a good group of friends, which is the key to surviving high school. I feel so sorry for you that you did not get to experience this back then, but am glad you have gotten over it and I´m sure it has formed you. I also see, how free you have become in your blog and on fb. Back when you started on fb, you would not share any pictures of yourself and now you have opened up, and I love it! Glad to know you, through blog and fb!
ReplyDeleteLove this post, as I recently went to my 40th HS reunion. I'm glad i did, even though i, too, didn't have many fond memories from HS.
ReplyDeleteIt's been pretty interesting since I joined my reunion FB group. I've also, besides getting to know some of them for the first time, have also found a few I was friends with and had lost complete contact with. I think going into it with a fairly open mind...haha...I realized they're no more the people they were at 17-18 than I am.
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